We like to say raising kids, but in reality, raising is really just part of the parenting, it is not all of it. As much as I would like to claim the credit for raising the kids, I do think I am a participant as well. It is the second chance or growing up again, at least for me.

Before they were born, or even before I was pregnant with the first kid, I honestly did not think I wanted kids; baby looks squirmy, and quite unreasonable in terms of reasoning with them. Who in their right mind would want to take care another non-verbal human being when I was young and with all the freedom to explore the world?

Now looking back almost 18 years, I don’t think there is one bit I would regret, and with the older one half world away from me, I started thinking about the empty nest which might come too soon. The first way when she was away, she called home every evening wanting to talk to me or her brother, and now it is the 2nd week, we could only rely on text since the time difference.

This is the girl who called me every single time on the 2nd day of every single overnight camp to ask me to pick her up, crying and begging me. I dare not to tell her that I would miss her this time, not wanting to give her a chance to back out the deal, but who would have thoughts she might have just grown up right under my nose without me knowing the transformation she has gone through. As much as I am happy that she can be independent, I think I also missed the little girl who needed me all the time.

Kids are the second chance for parents to grow up again or to remind ourselves how we grew up the first time, from the moment I watched them figuring out which facet giving out the cold water and which one the hot water, to the time I tried to be friends and parents at the same time, and the time watching them going through airport security gate all by themselves, and knowing that they are not going to call me for every single decision they have to make… the process I was in to the process I was observing.

I used to arrange myself around them, driving them here & there, arrange activities or trips with them; now with one far away, suddenly I found myself only need to arrange one.. sense of lost? upcoming empty nester? freedom at last? Maybe all of the above.

 

 

Balance Imbalance

The world is not black and white, and there are 50 shaded of gray.

Why do cancer kill people? Don’t they know their own death comes after taking ownership of their bodies.

Love conquers all, and you can love someone, you just can’t save someone with love.

Thousands of years, sex could easily be a game between the guys & girls, but now the #MeToo movement has arrived; all things are being thrown under the microscopic lens and most of the conducts are misconducts now; at the same time, I wonder how many times we swiped such things under the rugs of “boys are always boys” when those men were growing up? Pulling girls hair, or purposely waiting under the stairs watching girls with skirts walking down. When did all those innocent mischievous behaviors of the youth grow into sexual misconducts? Should the women who endure all the uncomfortable behaviors and remained silent as guilty as those men who deliver the wrongdoings intentionally or unintentionally?

Of course, then here comes Trump, who bullies his way to the top and continue to do so with anyone and everyone who did not like him. I often think maybe it is the ego which gets into the way of admitting he is not perfect, and shouting people down first and fast becomes a way of survival. Not to mention it probably unintentionally set up some unspoken influence on the young ones that if you get make it big, it doesn’t matter how you get there, everything can be forgotten or need not mention.

Religion is another place full of conflicts – while the teaching is to love your enemy, love your neighbor, but somehow loving homosexual is a big no-no; freedom of religions or freedom of speech sometimes is at war with sexual discrimination. There is no middle ground as it appears, why can’t we just treat our fellow human as who they are?

When the illegal immigrants got deported, we saw the news that they have been law-abiding people, it just sound oxymoron to me, didn’t they break the law in the first place for illegally entering another country? Does it change the fact of breaking the law if they only did it once and didn’t get caught earlier? Maybe the means of separating kids from their parents is mean and cruel, but maybe while we are condemning the practice of such rather unusual punishment, we should also propose alternative to reduce illegal entries of the country, after all, the side effects of illegal immigration are also the tax money at work which majority of the citizens might not want to spend on for additional health care and education.

I remember the time after 9/11, when the such unspeakable tragedy happened in the city we called home for years, and we happened to have a daughter who wasn’t even a year old – I didn’t know how I were able to explain to our daughter the evilness of this hideous act, how do we forge ahead when so many lives were destroyed in a day, when all the black and white photos of young people posted on hundreds or thousands of light poles who just went to work and didn’t make out in that fateful morning.

So the world is really not black and white, and it is more than 50 shades of gray, just like the renovation I am currently ongoing with the house, the wall is painted some shade of gray, but depends on the amount of lights coming in and the angle one is looking at the wall, the same paint shows completely different of grays between the adjacent walls.

Our eyes would always choose the gray we think we are seeing.

Time Away

Can’t believe the last time I wrote was almost 3 years ago, and there was the draft never got published. It only proves the point it is so easy to get lost in the daily shuffle.

So many things happened since last time I was here:

Mom passed away almost 2 years ago, Trump got elected as the president, one of the kids will be officially adult in about 6 months, and 2 famous people, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain just committed suicide last week.

You can love someone, but you can’t save someone.

Neither my brother, nor me was expecting we would lose mom on that tragic day and we became orphans in a way because none of them are with us now on this planet. People also says it hits more when the 2nd parent passed, it is true. It was like we were left being grown-ups all of a sudden, even though we have been legally adults for decades.

Fast forwards 2.5 years, the 2 adults just killed themselves, not to mention all other folks who left this world in the past 2.5 years, friends’ parents, the causality from the mass shootings, so and so.. etc. I realized when these things happened, I usually thought about the ones they left behind, the unfinished business, and the unfinished love, if you will.

Occasionally, I also wonder those who left; some of them knew they were going, some of them did not get a chance when they just got yanked out from this world. For those who made the conscious choice, what was in their mind? Was this life so painful that they just wanted to get it over with?

Human minds are so complicated and complex, it is almost strangely beautiful – I am fascinated with the cooking documentaries on Netflix or the architectural design shows where the capacity and capability of the human minds are almost limitless. Yet we are working on Artificial Intelligence trying to mimic the human intelligence using computer, I wonder if we were ever going to be successful.

Impossible Possible

Got sucked into this other show on Netflix – Restaurant Impossible, it is kind of an interesting show, it is about restaurant, but it might as well not about restaurant. It is about running a business, or keeping a business running, but each episode has an untamed current underneath the business – a dysfunctional one between the husband and the wife, the mother and the son…

Thinking about my own mess about my family dysfunctional dynamic, it is not surprising to see the principle applies to everything else, communication, caring, responsibility, and accountability. Maybe my family would need a Robert Irvine to fix it. I don’t know.

As I am in my mid-life point, a part of me gets very clear what I want in life, and what I have now. It is almost like what Confucius said thousands of years ago,

“At 15, I set my heart on learning. At 30 I know where I stand (my character has been formed). At 40, I have no more doubts, at 50, I know the will of Heaven, at 60 my ears are attuned (i.e. my moral sense is well-developed), at 70, I follow my heart’s desire without crossing the line (without breaking moral principles).”

I am not exactly sure about the 15 years old part, I don’t think I set my heart on learning when I was 15, more like when I was in graduate school. But definitely at 30, my character has been set, and at 40, I have much less doubts. I know what I want in life, how much efforts I am willing to put in to get what I want, and how much risk I am ready to take for things I want in life.

I am content with what I have now in my life, it is not perfect, but it is what it is. My husband cheated on me 2 and a half years ago, it was a wake up call to me, come to think about it. We are still together, I am not 100% sure if we will be able to make it, but I refuse to let it definite me or my life or my marriage.

Reflection

A few things happened since last time I blogged: an old classmate’s wife passed away after her flight with cancer, leaving a grieving husband and 2 young kids. I didn’t know her personally, although the husband and I went to the same school years ago. I saw his post about her stay at the hospital weeks ago to pump the water out of the lung.

It came a little too close to home, reminding me the weeks before Dad passed away, the lung was the one of the first organs that gave up… the unavoidable end is near, I could sense that… I felt sad for my classmate, sad for the girls who were too young to understand, and sad for the mother who had a hard time letting go but had little control over anything.

Then I remember watching the powerful images from http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/ by the photographer husband who documented the unwilling battle he and his wife had to flight.

Like I always thought, at the end, no one win, the cancer cells took over the life of their host only to commit a massive suicide…

Maybe I am obsessed with death, or rather, trying to figure out the shadow that’s everywhere around it but no one knows how best to deal with it. It is a hard lesson in life. Having watched the documentary How to die in Oregon on Netflix recently also discussed how death used to be such a taboo and now becomes a “right” that people are fighting for. Evolution?

Turning on a different, and happier event. Leia, my daughter, finally went on this much anticipated school trip to Washington D.C. over this weekend. I dropped her off at the airport on Sunday early morning.

She got off the car, picked up her luggage from the truck of the car, gave me a quick hug, a peck on the cheek, then turned around, walking into the terminal to meet her friend. She is 14.

Has the time flied this fast? Is this the same girl who called me the first night one all her over night camps to beg me picking her up the next day? Granted, that was 2 years ago, and she didn’t even want to have sleep over at grandma’s house.

Am I supposed to be happy to see her turn around to embrace her life without hesitation? I am not quite sure what I am supposed to feel? Where is my little girl who said the furthest college she is going to is Portland in Oregon? I thought I won’t have to deal with the quick pat on the cheeks for another 4 years?

Maybe the problem is at me? I want her to grow up, and I don’t want her to grow up.

Starting a Tradition

Year 1 – Lincoln City, OR, Year 2 – Arch Cape , OR, Year 3 – Ocean Shore, WA, Year 4 – Edmond, WA, Year 5 – Cannon Beach, OR, Year 6 – Neah Bay, WA, Year 7 – Long Beach, WA, Year 8 – Long Beach, WA.

I didn’t know I love being a mom, I didn’t know I love beaches, and I certainly didn’t know I love taking kids to the beach! I guess there are a lot of things I just don’t know.

Every year, I brought the kids to the beach in spring break, when the water is still too cold to swim in, but I love the emptiness of the beach, it is time to recharge, to look at the endless water and to feel the openness of the ocean. I start the wonder maybe when my kids grow up, they would not be used to the beach in the hot summer months!

This year, we also learned a new thing – this delicate, semi transparent thing is called velella. I thought they are related to jelly fish, but they are not. Guess one more think I just don’t know! They are this floating organism with a sail on top, and they can’t move, totally rely on the wind to take them to wherever, and we saw thousands of them being washed up to the beach.

When they were not completely dried up, they had this blue cushion at the bottom, I imagine the sunlight shining through thousands of them, the floating magic.

I have been listening to Candice Burgen’s Fine Romance in the past few days, it said, children are gift from God. Yes, it is true, they are gift from God. I constantly thinking back what I was like when I was at their age, and try to look at the world again through their eyes. There are wonders everywhere I look.

And building out a tradition with kids are just another wonder of the life – by now, kids are looking forwards to the beach in spring break, giving Santa gifting blanket to not use the wrapping paper, and the big summer trip out to some place exotic, – means out of the states.

Raising kids is certainly not easy, but what else can I do to have a 2nd childhood all over again?

A Good Death

April 5th, the traditional tomb sweeping day in Chinese culture, and it is the semi-annual time to visit Dad. It has been 7 and half years since he passed, and I do miss him from time to time.

Days ago, I was watching this program on public TV about treating cancers; it talked about how immunology has changed the outlook of some cancers, bringing in realistic hope for those lucky ones! No question it is quite fascinating to see the miracles this seemingly less invasive treatment can perform, but what strikes me the most was the oncology doctor’s candid talk in front of the camera with tears in her eyes when she brought up the “good death”.

Her straight talk to the woman who just got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, that unavoidable end is unavoidable, and her comforting talk with the older grandfather that it is okay to stop treatment. You know what? That really hits home with me, recalling the time when Dad went through all the excruciating treatments, one after another, and I, as his daughter, couldn’t really provide anything to lessen the discomfort, nor could not make the outlook any more promising.

I remember the last 2 months, when everything just crashing down almost all at once; Mom was completely stressed out that she ended up that August in the hospital undergoing an emergency surgery for an obstructed bowl. Then in September, dad had developed pneumonia, and had to go into the ER, followed by being discharged a week later going directly to the nursing home. He still wanted to fight the cancer, and wanted me to go for his monthly appointment to meet with his oncologist. I called her, and she said it is probably about time to let go….

After the nursing home called me that morning, the thought went through my mind was the irony of the whole cancer cells, they won, at the end, but with the price of a massive suicide which not only took away Dad, but the cancer cells couldn’t continue without the host either.

Since then, I thought about what I would like when the time comes for me….I don’t think I am afraid of death, not that I want to embrace it, but I think when the time comes, I wish I would have the courage to go through it with grace and elegance.

I know it probably would be hard and unrealistic; ever wonder why people said someone died very peacefully, and they made it sound like it was a blessing. the truth is it is a blessing probably not everyone gets it.

Going back to the doctor with tears in her eyes, I saw compassion in her eyes and tone when she has to face cancer patients daily, and let’s face it, she probably have more patients who didn’t make it then who did. Who wins? and who lose? It is hard to say.

Good & Evil

I have been a pretty level-headed person, but what happened in the past few days has been making me head-spinning. I guess it is the situation that not only I didn’t see it coming, and I didn’t even realize how hard I got hit.

So let me start from the beginning – during the holiday season last year, I applied a credit card because it provides cash back plus no foreign transaction fee. Then fast forwards to almost 2 month ago, a phone call came in during the day from a different credit card company asking if I have applied the credit card, I did not, and I was told someone was using my personal information to apply a credit card to a different address.

Fast forwards a few more weeks, a mysterious transaction hit our bank account – $$ went out to pay for an on-line purchase that we did not recognize. Called the bank, filed the claim, life back to normal, except in another 2 days, another smaller transaction hit again with the same person. Filed again, report to the police, and put in fault alerts with 3 credit agencies – asking for the annual free credit report.

2 more weeks went by, another transaction hit with a different merchant. This time, we decided to close the account and open a new one.

Got that taken care of, however, in 2 more weeks, the checks for the new account not only got stolen, someone even cashed out 2 checks with complexly bogus signatures.

Back to the bank, close the account again, and this time, no paper checks were ordered.

In the mean time, we slowly realized maybe someone has been stealing right in front of our house from our mailbox!!

This is really maddening. really?? what’s with people? are we living too close to each other that we don’t know how to treat each other? I thought we are living in a small quiet neighborhood, but is it okay to take other people’s tuff and “cash in”?

The free credit reports that I ordered were stolen, my son’s birthday card with the check from his grandparents was stolen, empty new checks were stolen, there are probably countless stuff gotten stolen that we are not even aware of.

I was so mad when I found out on Sunday, and had to go out of the house to walk off my anger. There have been only a few times in my life that I was disappointed with human nature, 9/11 might be the first one, the more recently when some people at the far away place decided to cut peoples’ head off left and right, and now when stuff were taken away just like that.

Really?? Do we lost the ability to treat others like how we want to be treated?

Passing it on…

Maybe I have been watching way too many cooking shows on Netflix recently, from “The mind of a Chef” to “Bizarre Food”, to “Food Inc” to now “Good Eat”; I realized not only as many have said, food is part of the culture, but also I remember how I learned cooking by just watching my grandma and then my mom cooking when I was little. I don’t think I consciously decided that I wanted to learn, or they consciously made me watch, but somehow I picked up the cooking and love it to this day.

Maybe there was a lot of digital distractions when I was little, and us kids might have nothing better to do than watching our parents to cook; things seem to change now that kids have endless gadgets to keep them away from the kitchen, that I realized the traditions might be cut short after me.

Okay, so I panicked.

I wanted my kids to be able to have that linkage back to the root, or maybe I want them to spend a little more time with me now that they are out of diapers, strollers and about to outgrown the playground. I want something to hold on to them, maybe. So I thought I would build a new tradition – cooking with Mom. Just like our annual beach retreat during the still chilly Spring Break, I want them to grow up having another story to pass on.

So the new tradition started 2 weeks ago, we started with noodles, which I thought would be easy, flour and water, right? Well, almost right, but not exactly. I used the same recipe how I made scallion pancake, but instead of making it layered with scallions & sesame oil, I just rolled the dough out then cut it. It certainly looked like noodles, and kids loved to be part of it when messing up kitchen was encouraged. In the end, I was very proud of my non-picky kids, that they actually thought the noodles were delicious, even though I thought they could be a bit more chewy.

Fast forwards to yesterday, lesson two – dumplings! I decided that I should start from the basic, where I should make the whole cooking easy enough that they want to try, so no home-made wrapping skin, and no extensive chopping, let’s focus on making non=leaking dumplings.

Leia was actually interested to learn how to seal the dumplings with a dap of water around the wrapping skin, and wanted to try wonton next time. For any of you interested, the wrapping skin for dumplings is round shaped while the one for wonton is square, and dumpling wrapping skin is thicker than wonton wrapping skin. Anyway, JJ had no interested in making dumplings, but he wanted to put them into boiling water and stirred them. So it worked out beautifully.

I think maybe I am onto something here, I like the closeness of them working with me side by side in the kitchen, I know I need to start treasuring the time we spent together, because Leia is 14, in a few years, she will be in college, and JJ is almost 9, it won’t be that far away either. So I am hoping this new tradition will not only create precious memory for me, but also for them when they grow up having their own kids.

Gosh, I am really getting old.

Anyhow, the best part of making dumplings is the leftover, which I did what my mom did when I was little – pan-fried them for a few minutes on each side, but instead of just seasoning them with a dash of salt, let’s Americanize them – cinnamon sugar!

 Needless to say, delicious!!

I am not sure what I will do next week or the week after, but this certainly is a new tradition I would like to keep it going for as long as I can.

Mile…Mile & a Half

Watching this documentary, “Mile… Mile & a Half” on Netflix today, it is about a group of artists spent months planning this hiking trip through the 219 miles of John Muir Trail in 25 days. The breathtaking scenery in the film reminds me so much about our trip end of last summer to Glacier National Park in Montana.

It is not a surprise that they were completely in awe to what nature had provided them on the trail, as one of the guys stated that when they thought the scene at the moment was the best, only the realized the next one was even more awesome!

It has been a little over a year now that I started walking daily, from 5,000 steps, to 10,000, to at one point, 20,000 steps a day and now down to 15,000 steps a day, 7 days a week. Last time I checked, over the course of the year, I have walked 2,500+ miles. I am humble for the milestone I was able to make.

More importantly, I think walking, in a way, save my insanity for the past year when my family life has been on a rough patch for the past 2 years. Walking, literally, gave me the space & solitude that I need, in addition to all the health benefits coming with it. I couldn’t imagine what I would be if not for the daily walking that I mostly got myself out of the house.

In a way, I think the kids benefit too, as not having a crazy mom should always be considered a good thing in life. But they also let me dragged them to the Glacier National Park last summer, hiked with me for 40+ miles during the 5 days trip we spent in the park, sat the back of the car going back and forth multiple time on that “Going-to-the-sun” road, and quite enjoyed the digital-free life for those 5 days!

I can totally understand the sentiment shared in the documentary; you are tired after walking/hiking miles, but the simply amazing view right in front of you makes you just want to walk one more mile to see if something more awesome is just waiting around the corner. It is additive in a way!

Maybe life is just like that; my life was not at its best for the past 2 years, I wasn’t prepared for  it and it was driving me nuts, I didn’t know how to process all the unexpected things coming up, and I could barely keep my head above the water, but somehow I found walking, or rather walking found me and gave me the space I needed to step out of the mess and take inventory of what I have and what I want to do. Watching the documentary, seeing how a group of friends decided to hike up the 219 miles John Muir Trail, carrying 50 – 70 lbs. provisions to sustain through the wildness; they got blisters on their feet on the 3rd day, they couldn’t take showers for 2 weeks, they smelled, and they could only do 1 mile per hour because of the steep elevation, but at the most of the tiring moment, when they were questioning why they were doing what they were doing, there was always this astonishing view or wonder just right in front of them, which kept them going.

The truth is that life throws wrenches at times, like it or not, whether I am ready or not, they are coming, and the survival depends if I can find those positive wonders to tie me over or to keep me going.